There is a new phenomenon in this country. It is called helicopter, lawn mower, Black Hawk or kamikaze parenting. These are the parents who take over their kindergartener's ant report. They stand on the sidelines yelling at the outfielders who are picking flowers instead of watching the ball. They are the ones who are in constant contact with teachers, demanding to know why their child is not in all the gifted classes.
This is the way Milllennium children are growing up. And to what end? Bragging rights? Better colleges? More lucrative careers?
Are these children the next crop of Harvard educated CEOs?
Being an Involved Parent
Parents these days are bombarded with advice from experts. Books, TV shows, and constant technological updates have given parents knowledge that past generations never had.
And what have parents learned? That children who have involved parents are more successful in school and are less likely to be depressed or have eating disorders. According to the November 2006 article, published on the NYU Child Study Center website, "Involved Parents: The Hidden Resource in Their Children's Education" by Anita Gurian, Ph.D, children with involved parents:
- are absent less
- have better behavior
- do better academically from pre-school through high school
- go farther in school
- go to better schools
There is no doubt that children with involved parents have a better chance of being successful, productive adults.
This knowledge helps give purpose to the hard work a parent does. But it puts a lot of pressure on the parent to have a child who is outstanding in athletics, academics and culture. Hence, the line between helpful and hurtful becomes lost.
Being a Helicopter Parent
Helicopter parents willingly and tirelessly iron out all the annoying details and conflicts while the child stands on the sidelines.
Overinvolved parents often:
- Take over a school assignment because the child is not doing it "right."
- Involve the child in activities based on what it will do for his college applications, rather than what he is interested in.
- Coach, referee, yell, and criticize at sporting events.
- Step in at any and all conflicts, whether it is with friends or teachers.
- Expect perfection in all areas.
Overinvolvement "reflects some emotional need on the parent's part, not the best interests of the child," said Dan Neuharth, author of If You Had Controlling Parents (Harper Paperbacks, 1999), "Parents' hopes and fears for themselves are transferred onto the child."
The downside of being an overinvolved parent is pretty obvious. Children don't learn to negotiate, handle conflict or find solutions for situations that will be more commonplace as they grow.
Children who are raised by helicopter parents can grow into adults who can't make decisions on their own. Children with controlling parents have learned to control their emotions and are often unable to express themselves.
These children can also turn on their parents, so outraged with the control they rebel, turning to drugs or other illegal activities.
Allowing Children to Make Mistakes
In this age of reality TV, expert advice columns, and accessibility to information, it is hard for a parent to stand back and let a child be. Parents want to do it all right, from playing Mozart in the womb to providing experiences with sports, music and culture. In the meantime, kids are overscheduled and parents are worn down.
It is almost a relief to hear advice suggesting parents to back away.
So, parents, back away. Let children learn to negotiate and learn about fairness from observing the world. Let them try out the techniques they have seen their mother and father use in their relationship. Let them figure out what techniques work to their advantage.
In educational fields there is a saying that children remember only 30% of what they see but 90% of what they do. What this boils down to is that children must make mistakes to learn from their mistakes. The more a parent steps in the further behind the learning curve the child becomes.
Read The Importance of Making Mistakes: Helping Kids Learn From Failure for more information on helping children cope with disappointment.
Being a Supportive Parent
Letting go of a child is a difficult thing for some parents, especially in these times. Families are smaller and parents find themselves with the time and the money to put into their children. So why not offer them everything that is available? Why not do everything to create a well rounded adult?
After all, parents who are supportive have children who are better behaved and successful through out the school years. But it's a fine line and children need to be successful for their accomplishments. Parents who take over a child's life academically, socially and athletically are overinvolved. These parents will find they have created adult children who can't make their own decisions, who are emotionally tight and may be defiant.
So, parents, open up that book, turn on that TV show. Tune out the child who is not asking for help. This will be the child who learns to negotiate in the real world. This will be the child who becomes the successful adult.
MaryBeth Calvin - A long, long time ago, I received my bachelor's degree at Clemson University as a special education teacher and then my Masters in ...
